AN OUTSIDER'S VIEW OF BULL BREEDING by John Darkin

This is no cock and bull story, although it does concern them both. Vegetarians and the squeamish should not read on. What follows is not for you, but is and outsider's view of bull breeding.

But for those curious, tender townies whose experiences of reproduction are confined to the human variety, this story concerns the mysterious goings-on in some farms outside city limits. And it's all in aid of giving us a better quality of life.

To get a decent piece of beef for your Sunday dinner, or a splash of milk for your tea, you must start with a bull that's about half the size of an omnibus and twice as heavy. This animal, in order to be regarded as the best, will possess a number of key attributes which, if similarly applied to human males, would make some men the much envied talk of the town.

It would be unwise of me, as a layman, to prioritise these attributes but, without question, farmers do get exited by

the hugeness of a bull's testicles. The farmer knows that if he can present his customer with ascrotum containing what looks like two five kilo bags of potatoes, he will make a sale. One recent claim suggests that only a minimum scrotum size of 36 centimetres is acceptable. It is not clear if that refers to the circumference or the diameter, but the latter would not surprise me.

Top breeders' obsession with testicles is highlighted by their anxiety to advise the buyer that apart from their immense size, scrotums are regularly palpated for tone and abnormalities. this is farm speak for an intimate inspection, suggesting that the farmer needs to have very large hands. It appears that there is a link between the size of a bull's personal equipment, and his ability to serve.

That is to say, to have sex, with either a female or some mechanical teaser. If the pleasure he derives from one is preferable to the other, or if he experiences pleasure at all, I could not say.